Passing Notes
by EpitomeOfDreams
Summary: Note passing between "The Golden Trio"; some Marauder tidbits
1. HISTORY OF MAGIC

**Disclaimer: I thought I'd try this out and see where it takes me. (Woot!)  
These notes will be from the "Golden Trio" (people refer this to Harry, Ron and Hermione...I don't know where this title came from, but whatever).  
****If you like it, (LOVE it!), review and I'll add more.****  
**

**ENJOY!**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 1: History of Magic

**Hey Harry!**

Hi Ron.

**What's up?**

Well, I _was_ about to take a little nap, but seeing that you threw this note in front of my face...

_You guys should really be paying attention!_

**But I'm bored!**

_Stop passing notes! We could get in trouble!_

You're passing notes too Hermione...

_I'm trying to get you guys to stop. We might have an exam on this you might fail._

**Which is why we copy your notes at the end of class.**

_I MIGHT NOT LET YOU COPY THIS TIME!_

**Liar.**

_We'll see._

You wouldn't do that to us!

_Hm._

Gosh, 'Mione, why so uptight? This isn't the first time we've done this.

**Yeah!**

_Don't mind me. Just carry on with your annoying, immature note-passing, see if I care. I just hope Professor Binns catches you._

He never cares what we do!

**Right? Blimey, doesn't Binns ever shut up?**

_He's a teacher, Ronald, teachers don't just shut up._

**We should throw something at him...see what happens...**

Hahaha!

_For Merlin's sake, Ron, what do you think would happen? He's a ghost!_

**Exactly.**

_Oh my gosh, I'm friends with idiots._

Oi! I resent that statement!

_Okay, well, not you so much Harry._

Thank you.

**Oi!**

_Yes?_

**Grrr!**

_Rawr!_

Meow!

**What the hell?**

I don't know...

_Hahaha..._

**A/N - Not so funny, but this was just a practice run. Next chapter will be the real thing!**


	2. DIVINATION

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...BLAHBLAHBLAH!**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

DIVINATION

**This class is so bloody boring!**

Again, Ron. Just throw a note in my face as if I wasn't _just _about to fall asleep...

**But I'm bored! What else am I supposed to do?**

I dunno. Bother Neville.

**Neville's gay...**

...Exactly...

**OI!**

Kidding!

**Meanie.**

...

**That old bat is so WEIRD!**

She keeps predicting my death!

**Yeah, I imagine that can get pretty depressing...**

Funny.

**I know I am.**

So...

**So...**

When are you going to ask Hermione out?

**WHAT?**

WHEN are you going to ask HERMIONE out?

**WHY would I ask her out?**

Well seeing that you LIKE her, I would've thought the approach would be asking her out...

**I DON'T LIKE HER!**

Really?

**YES!**

Yes?

**I MEAN NO!**

You _don't _like her? You just..._don't _like her?

**No!...I mean...don't say it like that! Like...she's my best friend...**

She's my best friend too, but I'm not the one that stares at her, drooling on my robes and looking like I want to snog the stuffing out of her...

**I DO NOT DO THAT!**

I didn't say you did.

**YES YOU DID!**

...did I say your name?

**...**

Did I say "you"?

**...**

I rest my case.

**I hate you.**

I love you too, Ron.

**Ewww! Gay much?**

Nooo, that's Neville. I think he's looking at you.

**UGH!**

You should go say hi.

**No.**

Yes.

**No.**

Yes.

**No.**

Yes.

**NO!**

DUNGBOMBS!

**What?**

Ahahaha...

**You make me ponder, Harry...**

Um. I don't feel comfortable with you pondering about me, Ron.

**You're weird.**

Story of my life.

**A/N - Funny enough? I dunno. Reviews? THEY ARE WELCOME!**


	3. TRANSFIGURATION

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...BLAHBLAHBLAH!**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 3: TRANSFIGURATION

**Er...hey Hermione.**

_What did I tell you about writing notes in class?_**  
**

**Sorry.**

_What do you want?_

**I dunno. Just wanted to talk is all...**

_We can talk at lunch!_

**That's too long.**

_I'm going to ignore you._

**I have a question.**

_About this lesson?_

**Have you ever snogged Viktor Krum?**

_Where in the world did this come from?_

**Just answer the question!**

_Why are you asking me this?_

**ANSWER the question!  
**

_No! You're being rude!_

**Why are your cheeks turning pink? You did snog him didn't you?**

_Mind your own business!_

**HOW COULD YOU SNOG A PRAT LIKE THAT!**

_The only prat I know, here, is you!_**  
**

**I just like ugly vultures who are mediocre at Quidditch!**

_Ha! You seemed to be in love with him before! What changed your mind?_

**I realized he was a human vulture.**

_Can't you come up with anything else insulting?_

**Shut up.**

_You're just jealous._

**JEALOUS OF WHAT?**

_That he snogged me._

**WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?**

_Jealousy is just as bad as envy, Ronald._

**HA! JEALOUS? IF YOU CONTINUE SNOGGING THAT PIECE OF TRASH, YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP SNOGGING A GIRL!**_  
_

**I'm not jealous.**

**Hermione, I was just joking.**

**Oh, come on, Hermione, it was a joke.**

**I wasn't serious.**

**Shit.**

**

* * *

**

**Harry!  
**

I WAS SLEEPING!

**You need to stop sleeping, mate.**

I'm going to ignore you.

**No! Harry! Hermione's angry at me.**

What did you do now?

**Did you know Viktor snogged Hermione?**

Well, it kind of made sense...

**WHAT?**

Well, they DID go to the dance together...

**I can't believe it!**

Jealous much?

**Psht. Please. I couldn't care less if she snogged a girl.**

**Wait, Harry, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**

**DON'T SHOW HER THAT!**

_That's it, Ronald Bilius Weasley, I am no longer talking to you._

**HERMIONE WAIT!**

**HARRY FUCKING POTTER, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST MATE!**

I thought if I showed Hermione the note you'd figure out the consequences of your actions and then you'd leave me alone when you see me sleeping.

**I HATE YOU!**

What a surprise. Hermione hates you too.

**UGHHHHHHH!**

Calm down.

**HOW CAN YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN IF YOU RUINED EVERYTHING?  
**

You overreact too much.

**YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT VOLDEMORT AND A COUPLE OF DEATH EATERS KILLING YOU 'CAUSE I WILL KILL YOU FIRST!**

**HARRY?**

**HARRY?**

**Harry?**

**I was JOKING!**

**Shit!

* * *

**

**A/N - It's not funny, I know :( /'' Whatever, review :)  
**


	4. CHARMS

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...BLAHBLAHBLAH!**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 4: CHARMS

**Hermione?**

**'Mione, please talk to me!**

**I didn't mean it!**

**Please?**

**Please?**

**I don't care if you snogged Krum! **

**It's not my business.**

**Please?**

_Ron, just leave me alone._

**But I said I was sorry!**

_I'm not talking to you._

**Come on!**

_Talk to Harry!_

***sigh***

* * *

**Harry?**

Merlin.

**Don't tell me you were sleeping again!**

That was the plan. What do you want?

**'Mione's not talking to me.**

Gosh, I wonder why?

**Shut up.**

Technically, you can't shut up on paper...

**Be serious! She hates me, she'll never talk to me again.**

What do you want _me_ to do about it?

**Talk to her for me!**

What?

**Please? You're the best at talking to her, be a good mate.**

She won't listen to me, you know her, she's stubborn!

**At least try! Please?**

When you see me sleeping, will you leave me alone?

**YES!**

Fine. I'll try.

**Thanks Harry!**

* * *

Hermione?

_If Ronald sent you a note and created some sort of battle plan for you to persuade me to start communicating with him again, don't even attempt it. Inform him that I'd rather lick Malfoy's arse multiple times before I'll ever be friends with him again and I hope he has fun with his homosexual relationship with Neville Longbottom. Oh, and tell him if he tries to talk to me again, I will embarrass him in front of the whole school in the Great Hall. If you so much as TRY to make me talk to him again, I will hex you and make you fall in love with Snape._

...

* * *

**Wow, that was fast! What did she say?**

She forgives you.

* * *

**A/N - REVIEWS ARE ALLOWED!**


	5. DETENTION

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters...BLAHBLAHBLAH!**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 5: DETENTION

**Thanks a lot, Harry.**

I didn't do a thing.

**Yes, you BLOODY did! You told me Hermione forgave me, you bloody LIAR!**

She threatened me! What was I supposed to do?

**YOU CAN STAND UP TO YOU-KNOW-WHO BUT YOU CAN'T STAND UP TO A BLOODY GIRL?**

In my defense, Ginny told me it was her "time of the month".

**What the hell does that mean?**

How should I know? Ginny made it sound really serious. Something called PLS ?

**Hmph. Girls are weird creatures.**

Yes, they certainly are.

**Did she REALLY have to charm a cloud to rain on my head, charm some Blast-Ended Skrewts to bite at my clothes and leave me almost naked, hex Crabbe and make him announce our engagement, and make a fountain of yellow water spray from the front of pants for twelve hours non-stop?**

That was water?

**HARRY!**

Sorry...and I don't know, she was mad. I'm kind of surprised she didn't get detention, really.

**I KNOW! And Snape just gives me detention for causing disturbance in the Great Hall!**

And because I was right next to you!

**I'm a laughingstock!**

Well...it could be worse.

**What?**

'Mione could have made Neville propose to you.

**UGH!**


	6. POTIONS

**Disclaimer: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! :)  
**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 6: POTIONS

He keeps looking at me.

**Who?**

Who do you think, idiot.

**Touchy, touchy.**

Snape!

**Do you ever get the notion that maybe...?**

Don't even think about it!

**How else would you explain why he's always staring at you?**

He's staring at me in anger!

**Because he knows he can't get what he wants!**

WHAT?

**He...**

Thanks, Ron.

**That prat needs to mind his business!**

He's such an ass.

**He needs to calm himself.**

You're just lucky he didn't take the notes!

**What would be the big deal?**

We were practically talking about sex?

**So?**

...

Are you okay?

**Yes. Why?**

You look funny...

Why is Neville smiling at you?

**He can't smile at me?**

?

**Leave me alone.**

...Where were you last night?

**Sleeping?**

Where exactly?

**Leave me alone!**

...Neville was missing too...

**Shut up!**

Where were you?

**I SWEAR TO MERLIN!**

Who IS this Merlin, guy, ANYway? Is this your God, or something?

**Oh Merlin!**

...are you gay?

**I have to tell you something...**

**

* * *

**

Ok.

**Ok?**

Ok.

**Ok?**

I'm leaving.

**Leaving? It's the middle of class!**

Don't care.

**You aren't gonna tell anyone, are you?**

'Course not.

**ARE YOU SURE?**

Ron. I'm Harry Potter.

**Yeah, and I'm Ron Weasley, big shit.**

*sigh*

**Promise...no SWEAR, you won't tell.**

Fine.

**Swear!**

Fine.

**SWEAR!**

FINE.

* * *

**A/N - What did Ron tell Harry? Reviews? Isn't my best, but I'll try harder next time :)**


	7. HERBOLOGY

**Disclaimer: Things are slowing down -_-  
**

Key:

**Ron is bold**

Harry is normal

_Hermione is italics_

Chapter 7: HERBOLOGY

So.

_So?_

Hm.

_...what's up?_

Wouldn't you like to know.

_Not really. I'm ignoring you now._

I like Chocolate Frogs.

_...okay?_

Yes. I also like water and squishy things.

_Um..._

But I dislike desperate situations and ropes. And chairs. As a matter of fact, I'm going to stand.

_This is Herbology. There is no chairs...and you are standing._

Just felt like sharing with you what's on my mind...

_Harry, if those things are on your mind, then you are either mentally ill or perverted._

Oh, 'Mione, _I _surely didn't do anything perverted.

_I didn't say you did._

I'm glad we're on the same page._  
_

_Are you okay?_

I have to think about that first. Define 'okay'.

_What's happened?_

Do you know what Ron has done?

_Listen, Harry, we already went over this. I don't care what that asshole has done. If this is what you want to talk about, then you can leave me alone because I've already warned you... **(*insert threats and profanity here*)**  
_

And you're a prefect?

_I don't mess around._

Well, whatever. I'm not supposed to tell you anyway, I gave him my word.

_Your word? What is it he told you?_

Didn't you just threaten me?

_I'm not kidding, Harry. Is it serious?_

Well. It's not serious, but it is sorta...

_What?_

Well, you know French, right?

_Yes._

Well...how do you say "new town" in French?_  
_

_?_

_WHAT HAS HE DONE?_

Gee, look, class is over. Bye Hermione!

_UGH!_

* * *

**A/N - HEEHEEHEEE! Review!**


	8. GRIMMAULD PLACE THE KITCHEN

**Disclaimer: I haven't updated in SO freakin' long! Reason? I've been planning and writing out this new story I'm working on! It's going to be seriously long, and, YES, it's abut Harry Potter. (DUH!) I won't go into detail about it now, but I hope you watch out for it. It's going to be my sole attention for weeks, (MONTHS), to come, so...yeah.**

**Anywho! I haven't been getting any reviews. *tears* REVIEW! **

**I've decided to switch this up a bit. Tell me how you like it!**

Key:

_Hermione is italics_

Harry is normal

**Ron is bold.**

_**Sirius is bold and italics**_

Remus is underlined and normal

CHAPTER 7: GRIMMAULD PLACE; THE KITCHEN

**_Harry?_**

**_Hello? Harry?_**

**_HARRY, WRITE BACK NOW! I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR HOURS!_**

Sirius! I don't think Harry knows that we charmed this parchment to talk to him!

**_Huh? I thought you told him!_**

...I thought YOU told him!

**_? Why would you think that?_**

Well, gee, _I'm _not his godfather, am I?

**_What the hell does that got to do with it? Anyways, where the hell is that boy?_**

Well, seeing that it's two a.m. in the morning, I don't expect Harry would be up gazing at a piece of yellowing parchment.

**_Well...you never know._**

What?

**_He is James' son._**

...

**_James was weird like that._**

Funny.

**_Aren't I, though?_**

No.

**_Suck me._**

I'm not gay, Sirius.

**_Stop denying it, Lupin. I can see it in your eyes._**

Your eyes are bloody glazed over after drinking that whole bottle of Firewhisky!

**_Have you been watching me, old boy?_**

Oh Merlin.

**_Craving Merlin's underpants, I see. What's wrong with mine?_**

Sirius. You're scaring me.

**_Not as much as you scare yourself, Remy._**

... That doesn't even make any freaking sense!

**_It wasn't supposed to, smartypants._**

Sirius, to save any more of your dignity, so you don't remember this conversation in the morning, let's go to bed!

_**HARRRRY!**_

He's not coming, Sirius! Let's try again tomorrow! Besides, I don't think this is safe.

**_Why?_**

Maybe Harry threw this away.

**_Harry isn't that stupid! _**

Harry's not stupid at all!

**_Even you agree!_**

**_Harry would, of course, observe this parchment and ponder on why it is in his bag!_**

Oh my Merlin, Sirius, WHO would ponder over PARCHMENT?

**_James used to..._**

HE'S NOT JAMES, NITWIT!

**_How do you know that, Moony? How would you...KNOW?_**

Stop looking at me like that!

**_Getting hard?_**

Getting scared!

**_Inexperienced! I knew it!_**

Oh my god. What was in that drink?

**_I don't know. Those twins...Molly's boys...left the bottle here before they left._**

IDIOT! They must've put some homosexual induced potion into it as a prank!

**_Is that why I'm getting hard looking at your lips?_**

...I hope this isn't permanent.

**_I thought you loved me Moonykins!_**

I do, but not like THAT!

**_You're making me cry!_**

LET'S GO TO BED!

**_TOGETHER!_**

NOOOOOOOOO!

**_Ugh. You're the worst crush ever._**

I am so disturbed.

**_Wanna hug?_**

I'm not touching you until that potion wears off.

**_Hmph._**

Why don't you go sleep with Mundungus if you need a partner.

**_Shut up._**

Let's just go to bed, Sirius. There's an Order meeting tomorrow morning.

**_Alright, just go on. I'll be right there._**

Really.

**_Yes. Go on._**

Fine, then. Night.

**_Night._**

**_...Harry?_**

**_..._**

**_..._**

**_HARRY!_**

**_HELLLOOOOO! HARRRRRYYYYY POTTTTTERRRRR?_**

**_..._**

**_HARRRRY JAMESSSSSS POTTERRRRRRRRRR, BRING YOUR ASS TO THIS PARCHMENT NOW BEFORE I LITERALLY BLUDGEON YOU WITH A BLUDGER! VOLDEMORT WILL HAVE NOTHING ON ME! I. WILL. HURT. YOU._**

**_..._**

**_Ugh. Fine. I'm going to bed._**

**_..._**

**_URRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!_**

**_FRED AND GEORGE TURNED ME GAY!_**

BLOODY HELL!

**_Thank GOD!_**

WHAT THE FUCK?

**_About ti__me, kid! What the hell were you doing?_**

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

**_Um...Sirius Black? Your beloved godfather? The apple of your eye? Your cuddly doggie pal?_**

THE FUCKKKKKKKK?

**_...Such language! ... I've taught you well!_**

...Sirius. You're gay?

**_Yeah! For the time being, I was told. But...anyyyywayssss... Isn't Moony hot?_**

*HARRY FAINTS*

* * *

**A/N - **You like? It just popped into my head and I just decided to share!

NOTE! - Sirius will NOT stay gay! It was JUST A POTION! It WILL wear off!

**SIRIUS. WILL. _NEVER_. BE. GAY!**

Review! :)


	9. TRANSFIGURATION: HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMUS!

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling STILL refuses to share ownership *sigh***

**A/N -**** Happy Birthday to REMUS LUPIN! In honor of his birthday, this chapter is dedicated to him!  
****...MARAUDER ERA! Including Sirius and JAMES! Not Peter, 'cause I hate his fucking guts!**

**Happy Birthday Remus :D **

Key:

**Sirius is bold**

James is normal

_Remus is italics_

CHAPTER 9: TRANSFIGURATION/HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMUS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOONY!

_Thanks James!_

Did you like the present I gave you?

_Oh yeah, of course! Thanks for the wagon load of chocolate...and I always wanted a box of tampons..._

No problem, buddy!

_Yeah..._

How does it feel to be seventeen?

_Well...I'm older?_

Well that's pretty obvious, Moony.

_Then why are you asking?_

I would've thought that as you got older, you'd get a little funnier...I guess I was wrong.

_Bugger off._

I think I see some of the gray hairs...

_I don't have any gray hairs!_

Yeah, you do, it's right there...

_Stop pulling out my hair, idiot!_

But it's GRAY!

_It's not!_

You're in denial.

_Your face is in denial._

WHAT? I'm beautiful!

_See what I mean?_

You're rude.

_I'm sorry._

You're not.

_I know._

Bugger...

_Where's Sirius anyway? He's late for class._

Padfoot's always late for class.

_This is true._

_OUCHHHHH! SIRIUS!_

**HAPPYYYYYY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONY!**

* * *

**Minnie's on the rag.**

Yeah, she didn't have to give you detention.

**She needs a friend!**

She doesn't need a friend, she need a man.

**... Isn't that what Dumbledore is for?**

_WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?_

**I didn't do anything!**

_You sung "Happy Birthday" at the top of your lungs and did jazz hands!_

**Why does this surprise you!**

Yeah, Remus, you've known Sirius for years now. This is actually one of the saner things he's done!

**Besides, I would've thought you'd be happy I remembered! I forgot last year...**

...and the year before that.

**...and the year before that.**

...and the year before that.

_Merlin._

**You can really turn pink Remus.**

Why do you turn pink instead of red anyway?

**Because Remus is gay!**

_I'm NOT gay!_

**You also have gray hair.**

Ha! I told you Remy!

_I need new friends._

**I love you Moony.**

_No._

**Aren't you going to open my present?**

_The present you nearly knocked me out with when you barged over here? It can wait._

**NOOOO! Open it nowwww!**

_No!_

**I paid about fifty Galleons on your present and you're not even gonna open it!**

_Fifty Galleons!_

Woah! What did you give him Pads?

**Open it and find out!**

_It had better not be tampons..._

**...Of course not.**

* * *

_I. HATE. YOU._

**I LOVE YOUUUUUU!**

_JAMES STOP LAUGHING BEFORE I HEX YOU!_

I can't help it, Remus. I just can't believe...

**DON'T YOU LOVE IT MOONSTER?**

_Don't call me that! DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!_

**You're a really bitter, bitter old man.**

_I'm NOT old! I'm SEVENTEEN!_

**How can a seventeen-year-old not love the sight of a life-supply of condoms and dildos?**

_YOU'RE DISGUSTING!_

**I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU!**

_I HATE YOU!_

**MARRY ME!**

_What the hell?_

**Let's get married in the States and live on a ranch and breed hippogriffs and have five children all named Remy Jr!**

_I'M LEAVING!_

* * *

I can't believe he just walked out.

**Yeah. I must've really turned him on or something. Gay bastard.**

Merlin, Padfoot, you had me rolling on the floor. It's a good thing Minnie has taken to ignoring us now.

**Yeah...maybe she'd want to roll with you.**

...you're disgusting.

**I love you Prongs.**

I love you Padfoot.

**Do you think Moony will like the Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook set, the two wagon full of chocolates, five-year discount from Flourish and Blotts and the new grey owl I gave him up in the dormitory?**

I think he'll love it almost as much as the new hippogriff waiting for him outside in the Forbidden Forest.

**I got him a unicorn out by Hogsmeade.**

I have a House elf ready down in the kitchens for our traditional chocolate midnight fiesta and every single night after that.

**I've got five girls in the Room of Requirement ready for him to snog.**

I've got ten girls in the broom cupboard on the fourth floor ready for him to get them laid.

**I'm going to marry him.**

I'm going to impregnate him.

**...**

Wait...

* * *

**LILY!**

_Yes, Sirius?_

**YOUR BOYFRIEND'S GAY!**

_WHAT?_

**HE LOVES REMUS!**

* * *

_It's over, Potter._

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, LILY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SIRIUS ORION BLACK, I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!

**MWAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

CHARMS:

_Thanks for the presents, Sirius. I honestly thought the condoms were the presents._

**You're welcome Mister Moony...marry me?**

_Still a no._

**Damn.**

_Where's James?_

**Uh...I think he threw himself off the Astronomy Tower.**

_...I'm not even going ask._

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOONY!**

* * *

**A/N -** Niceeee? Thanks :)

Watch out for the series I'm coming out with! Should be done in due time!

"**Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles - Year 1**"


	10. DIVINATION II

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the humor.**

**A/N - **Hey guys! I had this chapter, ready and everything, for about two weeks, and I would've posted it if it wasn't for the technical difficulties this site's been having. I'm sorry for the delay :) This is the chapter where you might find out what Ron told Harry...maybe *secretive smile*

Okay, you won't, but maybe I'll be giving you hints of some sort and you can use your imagination for the rest! :)

ANYWHO! I just want to let you know that I posted up a new story, (the first of the series!). If you really liked my last two chapters and if you REALLY love the Marauders, I suggest you check out my new story "**Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1**"

REVIEW! It would mean a lot :)

* * *

Key:

Harry is normal

**Ron is bold**

_Hermione is italics_

CHAPTER 10: DIVINATION II

Where's Ron?

_In he hospital wing, I expect._

Hospital wing? What happened to him?

_Oh, nothing serious, I'm sure. _

...How would_ you_ know?

_Know what?_

You're hiding something.

_I have no idea what you are talking about._

What's happened to Ron?

_Stop fretting, Harry! It was simply a Leglimens attempt done wrong..._

...Why were you attempting to go inside his mind?

_I wanted to know what he told you!_

Ugh! I'm not telling you!

_Tell me!_

No!

_Tell me!_

No!

_TELL ME!_

NEVER!

_I'm going to give you another chance before I will be forced to hex you._

Hex me? Psht. Gee, I'm scared.

_I'm totally serious._

Please. I survived the Whomping Willow.

_Nevertheless..._

I encountered a dragon and obtained only a slight burn.

_Be that as it may..._

I warded off several dementors when I haven't even done the patronus before!

_However..._

I escaped a bunch of Death Eaters and Voldemort himself _numerous_ times!

_But Harry..._

But nothing! How weak do you think I am? Do you think I'd let Ron down? YOU JEST! Ron is my best mate and I would never tell you no matter how harsh your hexes are or even if you torture it out of me. Ron trusts me to hold his secrets and I will always be loyal to him, so why don't you get that through you're head before you dare utter pitiful efforts to get me to speak!

_Yes, Harry, that's all well in the good, but you seem to be neglecting something quite important._

Huh. Am I really? I was so sure I had gotten my point across...

_Don't be rude! _

Spare me, Hermione. What is it that I seem to be neglecting?

_I'm **Hermione Granger**._

...

Fine, I'll tell you.

* * *

_WHAT?_

Yes.

_YOU'RE JOKING!_

Nope.

_LIAR!_

Why would I lie about something so disgusting?

_THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!_

What, are you going to go and kneel by Ron's bedside proclaiming your everlasting love?

_THIS IS SERIOUS! NO ONE MUST KNOW OF THIS!_

'Mione, I never knew you to be such a bigot...

_ME? BIGOT? I HAVE NEVER..._

LIES!

_EXCUSE ME?_

Honestly, Hermione, this isn't that alarming. To tell you the truth, I kinda already knew...

_YOU KNEW? YOU KNEW, AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?_

And I'm glad I didn't because I'd have never have thought you'd be acting this way!

_Fine. I'll calm down._

That's better...

_But Neville and Ron shouldn't be doing this._

Well, Neville's really desperate, so I really wasn't surprised to hear him doing this. A little shocked, yeah, but...yeah.

_But RON, though. RON!_

Well...um...I don't know what to say about him.

_You haven't told anybody right? ONLY me?_

Oh sure...

_What's with the three periods?_

I always do that...

_Well, stop doing it, it makes me anxious. Like you really did do something._

I don't know what you're talking about...

_Stop it!_

I'm not doing anything...

_Who did you tell?_

Nobody...

_Liar!_

Nice to know how you feel about me, 'Mione...

_DID YOU TELL ANYONE?_

...OH LOOK, THE BELL RANG!

_HARRY JAMES POTTER, BRING YOUR ARSE BACK HERE AND FACE MY WRATH!_

* * *

**A/N - **Gosh I'm evil for putting a cliffhanger, MUAHAHAHA! :]

Don't forget to check out my new story! Again, it's "Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1". REVIEW for this AND that one!

More later!

~ Shashon*


	11. POTIONS II

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the humor.**

**A/N - ****Oh my gosh! Over +2000 hits! Thanks for the reviews too! You guys make me happy :)**

Check out my new story: "**Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1**"

* * *

Key:

Harry is normal

**Ron is bold**

_Hermione is italics and underline_**  
**

CHAPTER 11: POTIONS II

**...Harry.**

**...Harry.**

**...Harry!**

**HARRY!**

**HAROLD JAMES POTTER!**

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

**Answer me the next time I'm throwing you notes!**

Such rudeness...

**Oh Merlin...were you sleeping again?**

Is that any of your business?

**I should really tell Sirius about that...**

Um. No.

**Yeah, I'm sure he'd want to know...**

Don't tell him anything, Ron...

**Why not?**

Because.

**Because why?**

Because.

**Because why?**

Just because.

***rolls eyes***

*kicks you in the crotch*

**I hate you.**

Like I care...**  
**

By the way...my name isn't Harold.

**Well, then where does "Harry" come from?**

Nowhere, you idiot. Harry James Potter is my full name.

**Well, I didn't know that!**

Did I ever call myself Harold when addressing an adult?

**Why should you?**

Why am I your friend again?

**Because you complete me, Harr-Bear.**

...

Ron...I'm kinda, sorta feeling a bit disgusted and uncomfortable by you.

**What do you mean?**

Well...you and Neville weren't in your beds last night...

**So?**

Dean and Seamus weren't either...

**So?**

Well, Seamus came back looking disheveled and a little wild-looking.

**Was he smiling?**

Yes.

**Good. I'm doing my job right.**

...

Dean never came back...

**He didn't? **

Yeah...

**Don't worry about it. I'll tell Fred and George.**

What do _they_ have to do with it?

**Never you mind.**

How can I not mind if you're the one telling me not to worry and that you'll tell Fred and George?

**Go back to sleep!**

Oh yeah. Why exactly was I awakened in the first place?

**I wanted to ask you if you wanted to join me.**

Join you?

**Tonight?**

Tonight?

**In the Room of Requirement.**

What? Why?

**Now, Harr-Bear, if I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise.**

I don't like fucking surprises! And stop calling me that horrid name, oh my god!

**I think it's cute!**

I think it's gay!

**Ah! _This_ is a conversation for another day.**

...

**So what do you say?**

I'm straight.

**Okay. Sure. **

I'm serious.

**I know. I'm straight too.**

Now _that's _hard to believe.

**Oh, come on, Harry! Come with me tonight! No one needs to know; not even Hermione. Just you, me...Seamus...Dean...Neville...**

What the fuck?

**Let's make magic tonight.**

* * *

_Harry. You just got yourself a whole month's detention and no Hogsmeade trips for the rest of the year!_

I don't mind.

_Snape looks ready to kill you! Did you really have to Stun Ron and stomp on his face yelling, "Gay bastard?" You were horribly homophobic!_

I'm not homophobic, Hermione! I needed an escape!

_Escape? Escape from Ron?_

My sexual orientation was at stake!_  
_

_What happened? What are you doing over here? I thought you always sat next to Ron whenever we have Potions._

Well, let's just say that this is going to be my permanent seat until further notice.

_Why?_

I no longer feel safe around Ron anymore.

_Perfectly understandable. What did he do this time?_

I think I have a theory, but I'm pretty sure it's wrong._  
_

_Let's hear it._

Well...remember the whole Sirius-being-temporarily-gay thing I told you about a week ago?

_Yes._

Well...I think it's related...

_You THINK? I thought you told __m__e EVERYTHING!_

Ron only told me what he was doing! He didn't tell me how it came to be!

_Come on._

What?

_We're going to Dumbledore._

Why?

_This can't go on! Before we know it, Hogwarts will become some kind of magical school of homophobia!_

Well, that's going a _bit _too far, 'Mione.

_They might attack you next._

...Let's go._  
_

* * *

**A/N - Don't forget to review! Muah*  
**

~ Shashon*


	12. CHARMS II, GRIMMAULD PLACE THE KITCHEN

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the humor.**

**A/N - LORD! The last two chapters have been my highest rated yet! Over +1500 readers and over +3000 hits! Gahhhh!**

Check out my new story: "**Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1**" - Chapter will be updated soon ;]

* * *

Key:

_Hermione is italics_

Harry is normal

**_Sirius is bold and italics_**

* * *

CHAPTER 12: CHARMS II and GRIMMAULD PLACE THE KITCHEN

_SUCCESS!_

In what...?

_I told Dumbledore what's going on!_

I know.

_Yup! I told him everything you told me and he says that he will do whatever that is in his power to stop this homosexual movement!_

That's nice.

_You really should've came with me._

Nah...

_But, really, Harry. When we got to his office, you didn't have to run away screaming._

He was giving me a look I didn't agree with...

_What do you mean?_

It was like the look of a sexual predator...

_HARRY!_

OW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PINCH ME!

_YOU AS GOOD AS CALLED DUMBLEDORE GAY!_

HE IS GAY!

_..._

...

_Goodbye Harry._

Peace out...

* * *

GRIMMAULD PLACE:

**_Harry? _**

**_Harry?_**

**_Harry!_**

**_Hey Harry!_**

**_Ughhh, come on, Harry! I need to speak to you!_**

**_HARRY!_**

**_HARRY JAMES POTTER, DON'T LET THIS BE A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED A WEEK AGO!_**

**_HARRRRRRRRRRRRY!_**

**_Ugh. You've left me no choice..._**

**_"I'm a double-D cup, large and round ,  
_****_They're two stone if they're an ounce .  
_****_See the boys' chins drop to the ground ,  
_****_'Holy moly! Watch 'em bounce!'  
I'm a double-D cup, yes I am ,  
_****_its good flotation, I won't drown .  
Maybe lose some weight? Now, that's a plan:  
_****_'Specially 'cause I'm a man" ..._**

WHAT THE FUCKKKK?  
**__****You like the song?**

ARE YOU STILLLL GAY?

**__****No...I just made up that song.**

It's stupid...

**_It's to the melody of "My Little Teapot"!_**

Never heard of it.

**_You were raised by muggles..._**

...Your point?

**_Never mind._**

You're not gay, are you?

**_Why didn't you answer me?_**

I don't know...

_**Whatever. Anyways...**_

Yeah?

**_What's crackalackin?_**

Nothing...

_**What's with the dots?**_

What dots...?

**_Those dots!_**

I don't know what you're talking about...

**_You know what I'm talking about!_**

These are called "periods"...get it straight...

**_Kinda moody today, are you?_**

Well, if you must know, I fear for my wellbeing...

**_WHAT'S GOING ON? ARE YOU OKAY? _**

What the hell's your problem, Sirius, I'm fine. Merlin, don't be such a Dad...

**_..._**

Can I help you?

**_What's your problem, I just wanted to see how you were doing..._**

I'm stressed. Sorry.

**_You don't sound sorry..._**

That's 'cause I'm not...sorry.

**_Well...how's school?_**

Okay.

**_The Quidditch team doing good so far?_**

Yup.

**_How's Ron and Hermione?_**

Swell.

**_...I'm trying to make conversation!_**

I don't WANT to make conversation!

**_Did I do something wrong?_**

Yes, Sirius.

**_Well...what did I do...?_**

Nothing.

**_?_**

Hehehehehehe...

**_..._**

**_Listen, will you just tell me what's going on?_**

Ron is leading a bunch of homos to rule the school, then the country, and then the world...maybe even MARS!

**_...WHAT?_**

I like cheese :D

* * *

**A/N** - If this chapter sounds really stupid to you, forgive me; I have this terrible, possibly infectious disease called **WRITERS BLOCK**.There is no cure for it. The long-term effects are:

1) lack of sleep  
2) staring at a blank computer screen for periods of time (resulting in headaches and the need of glasses)  
3) hitting your head against the keyboard (as if this will resolve the problem)

_Together_ we can find the cure for WRITERS BLOCK...and you can start by REVIEWING.

~ Shashon*


	13. A TYPICAL CLASS PERIOD

**Disclaimer: I love Harry Potter with all my heart...  
**

**A/N - Sooo...I've been a freakin' stranger on this for how long now? My apologies. A lot of stuff has been going on...**

**How about another Marauder throwback? :) Review!**

Don't forget to check out my current story: "Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1"**  
**

* * *

Key:

**Sirius is bold**

_Remus is italics_

James is normal

Peter is underlined

* * *

CHAPTER 13: A TYPICAL CLASS PERIOD

**Is it the end of class yet?**

_The class started five minutes ago._

**That long? It should nearly be done by now!**

We have like fifty-five minutes, Paddy...

I'm hungry.

**Me too!**

Me three!

_Want some peanuts?_

**PEEEEEEEEEEEEANUTSSSSSSSSSSSS!**

_Calm down!_

Hand them over before he starts foaming from the mouth!

He does that on a regular basis though...

**YUMYUMYUMYUMYUM!**

_Hush children. Professor Binns is teaching._

Why did he call us children?

He's making fun of us.

Oh...that's not nice.

Remus isn't a nice person.

**Remy is evil.**

_I wasn't making fun of you...and I'm not evil, Sirius!_

**Okay.**

_I'm not._

**Okay.**

_I'M NOT!_

Little touchy there, aren't you, Remus?

**I believe I hit a nerve...POINT FOR SIRIUS!**

Did you really use your name in third-person?

**It's a new trend.**

You fancy, huh?

**You already know!**

_I hate you._

**I love you.**

_Ew?_

******Bite me.**

_At the next full moon, I will._

**YOU EVIL BEAST!**

_Oh Merlin..._

* * *

**_35 MINUTES OF BANTERING AND PEANUTS LATER..._**

**I'M BORED!**

SAME HERE!

**I'M HUNGRY!**

SAME HERE!

**LET'S GO TO HOGSMEADE!**

_NO! We're in the middle of class!_

**I could honestly care less.**

Point. I need some food in my system or my brain cells will completely die out.

**SAME HERE!**

_Neither of you had brain cells to begin with!_

Um, you must be getting me mixed up with Petey..

Hey!

You know it's true...

It is not!

It is!

Not!

Is!

Not!

Is!

Not!

**ICEEEEEEE CREAMMMMMM!**

...

...

**I want ice cream guys...**

Me too...

Me three...

_James...stop looking at Lily._

I'm not!

**JAMESIE AND LILYKINS SITTING INNA TREE. F-U-C-K-I-N-G...**

_SIRIUS!_

I wish.._  
_

What does -

_You don't need to know need to know, Peter!_

You're such a child, Peter!

**Yeah! Go to the Hogs Head and get wild!**

There are scary people in the Hogs Head...

**I give up.**

Me too.

I think Lily has a crush.

WHO? ME?

**Of course not!**

Shut up!

No, not you, on that boy sitting two seats away from her over there.**  
**

_Who? Amos Diggory?_

Ewww, that annoying Hufflepuff?

Yeah..

He's annoying!

_So you've said._

HE THINKS HE'S A HOTSHOT! ALL COKY THINKING HE'S FUNNY AND GOOD-LOOKING WHEN HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING RETARD WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TIE HIS SHOES!

_Whoa, James, calm down!_

THINKS HE'S A LADIES MAN JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A SIX-PACK AND WEARS LEATHER BOOTS! AND-_  
_

James?

WHAT? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RANTING?

But, youre describing yourself...

_Not really._

**Yeah, Jamesie doesn't even have a two pack!**

SHUT UP!_  
_

**POINT FOR SIRIUS!**

SHUT UP!

**MAKE ME!**

_PUT AWAY YOUR WANDS YOU IMMATURE GOBLINS!_

**I'M TOO SEXY TO BE CALLED A GOBLIN JOKINGLY!**

_Who said I was joking?_

**I HATE YOU!**

_Cheers!_

**ROAR.**

Okay..

You guys are weird.

Your face.

**Your mom.**

_Why are you two so mean!_

**I'm a Black, I was born mean! **

_Fair enough...Prongs?_

I have no excuse..

_Exactly.__  
_

**'Scuse me as I bump into the conversation, ladies, but how much time is left before lunch?**

_Ten minutes._

I can't wait that long!

**I say we leave now and head to Hogsmeade.**

_Binns is teaching!_

Well, then you stay here and we'll head to Hogsmeade, and we'll get the notes from you later!

_Why am I friends with you lot..._

'CAUSE WE COMPLETE YOU!

'CAUSE YOU LOVE US!

**'CAUSE YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE!**

_Hey! That's not true!_

It kinda is, Remus...

_I have lots of other friends!_

Like?

_Lily Evans!_**  
**

**Psht. What does she do to contribute into the friendship?**

What does "contribute" mean?

**Shut up Peter.**

**OWWWWWWWWWW! JAMES!**

DON'T. YOU. EVERRRR. INSULT. LILY. IN. FRONT. OF. ME!

**YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT ME, YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE!**

YOU INSULTED MY FUTURE WIFE!

**YOU AND EVANS WILL NEVERRRR GET MARRIED, PRONGS! GET WITH IT!**

It's true, Prongs.

_I concurr._

YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIENDS!

**WE ARE. And as your best mate, I am telling you very honestly that you will NEVER in your lifetime...EVER! marry Evans.**

Hear, hear!

_Well, t'hat's putting it a bit harsh Sirius..._

You tell 'em, Remy! TELL HIM I HAVE A CHANCE!

_You have about a 10% chance.._

Only 10?

**Not even.**

Like 5.

**More like -5.**

I hate you all so much.

_Love you too James._

Love you!

**I LUBBBBBBBB JUUUUU!**

...NO!

HEY! THE BELL!

_DON'T YELL!_

HOGSMEADE HERE WE COME!

_YOU KNOCKED OVER MY INK BOTTLE ALL OVER MY NOTES!  
_

**!  
**

_I love my friends, I love my friends, I love my friends, I love my friends..._

* * *

**A/N -**So how did you like it? Good enough after my long break? I hope this was good enough, but whatever...

Don't forget to read my other stories! "**Soul Brothers: The Marauder Chronicles: Year 1**" and "**Forever Mine**". I will update chapters eventually! DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!

~ Shashon*


	14. A MARAUDER MOMENT

**Disclaimer: None of the characters is mine; just the humor.**

**A/N** - Sooo...Hi guys. I have no excuse for my absence...I can only assure you that it will never happen again :)  
This is just a refresher chapter, just to go with the flow until ideas start flowing in. Enjoy!

* * *

Key:

**Sirius is bold.**

_Remus is italics._

James is normal

* * *

CHAPTER 14: TRANSFIGURATION

REMY!

**REMOOFALUS!**

_And the stupidity starts_

What stupidity?

**Yeah, Remy, vhat is dis "stupidity" you speak of? I'm a genius! I don't know about Jamesie over here…**

Says the boy who thought that throwing acorns at the spiders in the Forbidden Forest and yelling, "Be gone you beasts!" would keep them from attacking us...

**I was panicking! …Do you think I should have thrown those rocks instead?**

_You're both idiots._

Sirius dragged me in there!

**You said you lost your Snitch in there!**

I never said that!

**Yes you did! There I was in the Gryffindor common room, eyeing two sexy fourth years, and I was about to indulge into my macho, suave charms until you came bursting in weeping that you lost your beloved Snitch and that if I didn't help you find it, you would tie me to a tree and pee on me!**

_WHAT IS THIS._

I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER SAID I'D PEE ON YOU…AND I DON'T WEEP.

**YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?**

YEAH.

**YEAH?**

YEAH!

**YEAH?**

YEAH!

_Shut up and pay attention to McGonagall!_

I can't, her voice is irritating me!

**Mine too!**

_Your faces irritate me!_

Ouch, Moony. That sincerely hurt.

**Are you on the rag?**

_I'm going to ignore you._

**NOOOO.**

_Then pay attention!_

**Okay...**

_**...**_

...

Hey Padfoot, lets play hangman!

_**Okay!**_

_*sigh*_

* * *

_**20 MINUTES OF HANGMAN LATER...**_

**I'm bored.**

_When are you not?_

**When I'm not bored.**

_My intelligence is going to deteriorate if I keep speaking to you._

**What does "deteriorate" mean?**

I think it means strengthen or something.

**Awww, thanks Moony!**

_No, you idiot, its the exact opposite!_

**Weaken?**

_Yes, that would be the opposite of strengthen..._

**You're mean!**

_We've concluded that._

_Where's Peter?_

Hospital wing.

_What did you guys do to him._

**Why do you always suspect we put people in the hospital wing?**

_I have my reasons._

He fell off a tree.

_Why was he up a tree..._

Getting an acorn.

Why...

Sirius told him that eating acorns will make him utterly sexy.

_SIRIUS._

**It was a joke! I didn't think he'd be thick enough to do it!**

You're a horrible friend!

**He's stupid!**

_You're stupid!_

_And James, why didn't you stop Peter?_

I needed a good laugh, ha.

_Ugh._

**Love you Remus.**

_I hate you Sirius._

**You know that's not true.**

_It is._

I can see the lust in your eyes Remy.

_What?_

**I can see it too!**

You secretly want him don't you!

_For the LAST TIME, I'm NOT GAY!_

**Okay, you little rascal, you.**

_That's it. I refuse to take part of this any longer._

* * *

Wooooow, did he really just get up and change seats?

**Guess he can't handle my sexyness.**

We're just too hot for him.

**We just turn him on.**

We just make his heart stop.

**I LOVE BEING SEXY.**

ME TOO.

**You're not sexy though.**

Git.

**Ha.**

* * *

A/N - Reviews would be nice :)


	15. MARAUDER SHENANIGANS

**Disclaimer: Only the humor is mine**

**A/N - The next few chapters will be about the Marauders until I get back into my flow :) Review!**

* * *

Key:

James is normal

_Remus is italics_

Peter is underlined

**Sirius is bold**

* * *

CHAPTER 15: CHARMS - WHERE IS SIRIUS?

Hey Remus?

_Yes, James?_

What are you doing?

_Taking notes._

Oh.

_Yes._

Hey Remus?

_Hmm?_

You busy?

_Well, like I said, I'm taking notes..._

Oh.

_Yeah._

Hey Remus?

_James, just spit out whatever you have to tell me!_

Okay, well, you know that girl Amber whatsherface...

_Herfinnegger? The one with the lice? And the big feet?_

The fat, psychotic one with the horrible acne and bulgy eyes, yeah, that one...

_What about her?_

Oh nothing, just wanted to see if you knew her...

_Are you okay James?_

...No.

_Oh okay._

Aren't you even going to ask me why?

_No, but I daresay you'll tell me anyway._

This is true. Anyway, so Amber came up to me after dinner last night in the common room and told me that she's had a massive crush on Sirius since second year and she asked me if I could somehow help her and Sirius get together.

_Oh...well, what did you tell her?_

What do you think? I told her there was no bleeding way Sirius would ever consider going out with her when her hair is infested with microorganisms and looking like a bloody hag!

_James! You didn't honestly tell her that, did you?_

Well, I told her that she wasn't his type.

_Really?_

No.

_Ughhh! James!_

I told the truth!

_Well, what happened next?_

She burst out crying and she ran to the girls dormitory.

_I hope you're proud of yourself!_

It's not my fault! I told the truth and I don't feel guilty whatsoever!

_Then why I are you telling me this?_

Because I can't find Sirius and he's been missing since last night...

_...Shit._

Shit is right, my friend.

Hey Remus?

I'm sorry, but do you NOT see me speaking to Remus here, Mister I'm-So-Cool-That-I-Can-Butt-Into-People's-Conversations?

Oh, I'm sorry!

_Yes, Peter?_

Where's Sirius?

_That's a fairly good question...I don't know._

He wasn't at breakfast this morning.

_He wasn't?_

You're not very observant, are you Moony?

_Shut up._

I didn't see him in the dormitory this morning either...

_Well, you can thank James for Sirius' absence._

Why me?

_Knowing Amber, she's probably keeping him prisoner in some private room somewhere in the castle!_

Did I miss something?

_No, just James being UTTERLY STUPID AGAIN._

Must you always insult me?

_YES. You know how Amber is! She's crazy, should could be doing horrible things to Sirius right now and Sirius is too stupid to get himself out of it and because of your stupid, insensitive nature, you -_

Now, now, this is no time for accusatory statements! We must find and rescue Sirius from the hands of Amber Hagnigger!

It's Herfinnegger.

I know.

_He can't be too hard to find. We know almost every secret room in the castle._

Good optimism Moony!

Hooray!

_On the otherhand..._

Stick with the optimism Moony!

Boo!

_...our last class is Transfiguration and McGonagall won't like that Sirius isn't there._

Why?

Because stupid Sirius is stupid Minnie's stupid favorite when I'm bloody brilliant in Transfiguration and he's not, but stupid Minnie likes him better and...

_Stop whining, you idiot! We need to find Sirius before last period!_

Fine, I'll look for him during lunch. He better THANK me for losing my time for eating to find his stupid arse..

_He wouldn't need finding if you hadn't been stupid enough to mess with Amber Herfnegger's feelings!_

You mean Hagnigger.

_DON'T PUSH IT._

Just trying to lighten up the situation!

_You shouldn't make fun of her name like that!_

Well, she looks like a hag and she's black! So she is Hagnigger!

_You're mean AND racist!_

Don't get your panties all up in a bunch!

Remus wears -

_SHUT UP PETER!_

* * *

_**TRANSFIGURATION...**_

_It's ten minutes into class, where are they?_

I don't know, I haven't seen James since Charms.

_McGonagall is giving us the evil eye._

It's quite frightening.

_Don't look at her! She'll get suspicious!_

You're the one fidgeting and looking guilty!

_Oh shush!_

Sorry.

_James is such an idiot._

Remus, you shouldn't be so stressed, I'm sure Sirius is fine...

_I guess._

James said he'd find him! We didn't have to look during our lunch period either...

_Yeah..._

_Do you think James found Sirius?_

No.

_Why!_

Sirius is a champion at hide-and-seek..

_This isn't a game, Peter! He's being held captive by Amber Herfinnegger, remember?_

Isn't it Hagnigger?

_IT'S HEFINNEGGER!_

Oh...

* * *

_**HALF AN HOUR LATER...**_

**Heyyyyy guyssss, miss me?**

Sirius, you're back!

_Where were you!_

We were so worried!

_What did Amber do to you!_

**...What?**

Well, HEY GUYS, NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

What happened?

_Are you alright?_

Did she touch you?

_Did she rape you?_

**Woahhh, what's going on?**

_Oh my Merlin, SHE'S RAPED HIM AND MODIFIED HIS MEMORY!_

What does - 

**Wait, what are you talking about? Raped me? I am so lost...**

_Where did you find him James? _**  
**

I found him near the Entrance Hall! Hagnigger probably tied him up outside and left him to die!

Prongs, why are you laughing...

**HAGNIGGER? WHAT DOES HE - SORRY, _SHE_ -HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? I'M SO CONFUSED, WHAT'S GOING ON, I WAS RAPED? **

_We need to get him to the hospital wing!_

**WHAT THE BLOODY HELL - **

Are you hurting anywhere, Sirius?

**Hurting anywhere? What do you-**

**WORMTAIL, STOP TOUCHING ME YOU FUCKING FAGTARD!**

I wanted to check!

**STOP LAUGHING PRONGS!**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Sirius, do you have any idea where you've been all day whatsoever?_

**Well, yeah, I went to Andy and Ted Tonks' wedding in London!**

_...What?_

I'm confused.

**Yeah! I had special permission from Minnie and Dumbledore to go...I left last night so I told James to tell you! **

_..._

...

**Anyway, guys, what's this "rape" business about, I don't recall -**

**Remus are you okay?**

Where'd James go?

**Last I saw, he was laughing to death...****Remy, smoke is coming out of your ears.**

Your face is turning pink.

**When will you ever turn red...**

Pink is a nice color...

**Yes, but it doesn't constrast his manly features.**

Remus has manly features?

**Oops, that's me with the manly features. Ha!**

Oh.

**POINT FOR SIRIUS!**

_Excuse me while I go murder James._

* * *

**Wormtail, I am so utterly confused. What's going on?**

Well, it all started with Hefinnegger...

**Isn't it Hagnigger?**

* * *

**A/N** - Stupid, I know, but I just had to! Review!


	16. DETENTION II

**Disclaimer: Only the humor is mine.**

**A/N: I'm not even going to try and apologize for my absence. I'm not going to begin to promise that I am going to try and update regularly. What I am going to say, however, is how happy I am that people are still putting all my stories on "Story Alert" or putting my stories on their Favorites and putting me on their "Author Alert". It is very flattering and I thank you! Perhaps this will encourage me to continue updating, but let's not get our hopes up lol.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Key:

**Sirius is bold**

_Remus is italics_

James is normal

Peter is underlined

* * *

CHAPTER 16: DETENTION II

**I hate detention.**

Me too.

_It's you guys' fault we got detention in the first place!_

**Me!? We're all to blame!**

_Oh really? Because I was totally part of the plot to sneak into the Slytherin common room and drop Itching Powder all over the furniture. _

See! If you weren't part of the plot, how do you know what we did, hmm?

**Oho! Caught!**

_Oh my Merlin._

I didn't do anything!

_Neither did I. The only reasons we're in trouble is because we were standing right next to them when they got caught._

That's not true!

_It is so! I hang around you lot so much that now whenever teachers look at me, I feel like I'm under a microscope being examined with their eyes!_

**What's a microscope?**

_Ugh, never mind._

**Haha, why do you write out the sound of your groan. "Ugh" haha.**

_Shut up._

**I hate detention.**

Me too.

_You guys sound like a broken record._

**Speaking of records, let's dance!**

Let's do the shimmy!

_In detention?! No!_

Guys, Professor Flitwick is watching us…

**Remus, you're so boring.**

_So I've been told._

**You know what?**

_What?_

**I'm hate detention.**

Me too.

You've already said that.

**I'm sorry, is someone speaking?**

I think it's just a ghost.

Technically, I'm not speaking, I'm writing…

**I'm sorry, is someone writing?**

_You guys are idiots._

**I love you.**

_Um…_

Well?

_Well, what?_

**Say it back you fool!**

_No!_

**Why!?**

_Because it's weird!_

**How! I said it!**

_You just proved my point._

**Excuse me while I go cut myself because Remus will not declare is hidden everlasting love for me. **

_Blimey, am I that obvious?_

Kind of.

**Just a little.**

_I was being sarcastic!_

**-Slash- Slash-**

_Pretending to slash your arm with your quill isn't very believable, Padfoot._

**slash-slash-slash**

Do you enjoy the pain you witness, Moony?

_You guys are so dramatic!_

Remus is in love with Sirius?!

**Have you not been keeping up with the conversation….**

Well, maybe if you passed me the parchment every once and a while…

_I'm NOT in love with Sirius!_

**slash-slash-slash**

I'm so confused! How long has this been going on!?

_Oh, for the love of Merlin!_

**OH, SO YOU CAN DECLARE YOUR LOVE FOR MERLIN, BUT YOU CAN'T DECLARE YOUR LOVE FOR ME?**

_YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!_

**BUT I CAN'T EVEN DRIVE!**

What is going on!?

Hey guys, since Lily's a redhead, does that mean her pubic hair is red also?

_…_

_…_

**_…_**

What?

* * *

**I hate det-**

**Hey!**

_I know what you're going to write and I don't want to hear it._

**You mean "see it", don't you?**

_Gahhh, stop annoying me!_

**Then stop grabbing the parchment from me!**

You guys sound like an old married couple.

**Because we are so irresistibly…**

_For your own sake, do NOT complete that sentence._

**Don't get your panties all up in a bunch.**

Remus wears – ?

_NO, I DON'T!_

You shout too much, Remus, that alone can give you high blood pressure.

_What do you know about high blood pressure?_

Nothing.

_..._

Haha.

**So…**

So?

_So?_

So?

**I hate detention.**

I detest detention.

**I repulse detention.**

I loathe detention.

_I abhor detention._

**You watch your mouth!**

_I wasn't saying whore, I said 'abhor'! It's another word for hate, Sirius! And you shouldn't be talking with your own potty mouth._

**What's that supposed to mean!**

_Do I need to spell it out for you slowly?_

**Watch it doggy boy.**

_What did you call me?_

Guys, chill!

_He started it!_

**You ended it!**

_Wait…what?! What does that even mean?_

**Figure it out smarty pants!**

This is getting ridiculous!

**Well, old married couples fight all the time, Wormy.**

_We're not old and we're not married! Thank Merlin…_

**That's what you think!**

_..._

_Again, what does that even mean?_

**You are so mental!**

_Who are you calling mental!?_

**Should I spell it out for you slowly Wolf Man?**

James, do something!

Wait, where'd you get the popcorn?

This argument is so funny, I can't possibly stop this now!

Can't we not fight, guys, please?

**Just for that wimpish request, I want to engage in a fight. Put 'em up Remus!**

_I'm not fighting with you in detention! Professor Flitwick is staring at us!_

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

_James, you are so immature!_

**You've just insulted my best mate!**

This means war, doesn't it Sirius?

_Stop encouraging him!_

**Put 'em up devil dog!**

_I've already said no! And stop calling me all these crude nicknames!_

**Whyyy, does it BOTHER you?**

_What do you think, Black?_

**I know who you are, but what am I?**

_WHAT?!_

I'm confused again.

This is the best argument ever.

Pass some popcorn!

Get your own, fat boy!

_James, that's not…_

_Sirius, PUT YOUR FISTS DOWN!_

**You can't stop me, I'm a wild beast!**

**…Oh, wait, that's you.**

_WHAT did you just say to me?_

Climax.

* * *

Wow! This is a first in Hogwarts history! A detention _within_ a detention!

I can't believe Remus actually beat up Sirius though!

It's a good thing Sirius hit Remus unconscious with that frying pan in his bag though!

Yeah…why does Sirius keep a frying pan in his bag, though?

I dunno…he's explained it to me a couple of times but I get more confused than before I asked.

I'm not sure if I enjoy this double detention very much.

Me neither, now that Sirius and Remus are in the hospital wing, I don't have anyone fun to pass notes too!

Hey!

No offense.

Okay.

Actually, well, yeah offense.

You're mean!

Thanks!

* * *

**A/N** – Hope you guys liked this one :) Next chapter will be updated tomorrow! Until then…


	17. HOSPITAL WING

**Disclaimer: Only the humor is mine. I own Sirius only in my dreams.**

* * *

Key:

**Sirius is bold.**

_Remus is italics_

* * *

CHAPTER 17: HOSPITAL WING

**Remus.**

**Remus.**

**Remus.**

**REMUS.**

**REMUS.**

**REMUS.**

_FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP THROWING THESE PAPER BALLS AT ME! _

**Who's God, Remus?**

_You will be the death of me, Sirius!_

**How can one be the death of someone else…**

_I give up._

**Point for Sirius!**

_You're so annoying!_

**But I'm worth it, right?**

_I don't even want to talk to you._

**Why not?**

_Why not? Why NOT? Why do you _think_, Sirius?!_

**Because I'm sexy?**

_Why am I even friends with you?_

**Because you love me, you prat!**

_No, not really._

**-sigh- Everyone seems to be in denial these days.**

_Did you seriously just sigh on parchment?_

**No.**

_But I just saw -_

**You didn't see anything.**

_Don't "Accio" the parchment out of my hands!_

**Fight me!**

_That's how we got here in the first place, you idiot!_

**I'm getting the slightest feeling that you're angry with me.**

_Oh, well done, Sirius, you hit it right on the head._

**I know right! Frying pans are so useful in situations like these.**

_Oh yeah, thanks a lot for giving me a concussion!_

**Don't mention it mate!**

_By the way...why do carry a frying pan in your bag?_

**To keep the antelopes away.**

_To keep...the...what?!_

**You see, during the summer, I was in Lithuania and I was walking my baby elephant in this forest when I found migrating antelopes and somehow they became deeply infatuated with me and tried to sex me and so I didn't know what to do, so I told my baby elephant, Oliver, his name was, to run away and I'd protect him because I heard somewhere that antelopes ate baby elephants. Then I ran and the antelopes chased me and I ran inside some witch's house and I found a frying pan and I brandished the frying pan in front of an antelope's face and suddenly the antelope turned into a beautiful butterfly and then it died. I did the same with all the antelopes and then they died. From then on, I have been carrying a frying pan everywhere with me just in case I come across an antelope. And the frying pan also comes in handy whenever I wish for some scrambled eggs.**

_..._

**Did that answer your question?**

_..._

**Why do you keep writing dots?**

**Why are you staring at me with your mouth open...**

**DO YOU WANT TO SEX ME TOO!?**

_Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?_

**Yes.**

_..._

**Stop with the dots, they're making me dizzy!**

_Merlin, help me._

**Merlin is dead...**

**Are you okay Remus?**

_Go to sleep, Sirius._

**But I've already been waiting hours for you to wake up!**

_Your point?_

**That's cold.**

_I'm a cold person._

**That's sexy.**

_Sirius, stop it!_

**Don't get your panties all up in a bunch!**

_I DON'T WEAR PANTIES!_

**THEN WHAT ARE A PILE OF THEM DOING UNDER YOUR BED?! **

_WHY ARE YOU SNOOPING UNDER MY BED?!_

**WHO SAYS I WAS SNOOPING?!**

_YOU JUST INCRIMINATED YOURSELF BY SAYING YOU FOUND THEM UNDER MY BED!_

**OHO! SO YOU _DO _WEAR PANTIES, DON'T YOU REMUS JOHN LUPIN!**

_ARGHHHHH!_

* * *

**Remus.**

**Remus.**

**Moony.**

**Moooony.**

**Moony, why aren't you speaking to me!**

_Take a wild guess._

**You're on the rag.**

_NO. Ugh, just forget it!_

**Forget what?**

_Sirius?_

**Yeah, mate?**

_I'm not going to speak to you until you start acting sane._

**But I am sane! I tied my own shoes this morning!**

…

…**?**

_What does that have to do with anything…_

**I don't know…hey, if I hang a dead ostrich on the chandelier in the Great Hall, do you think anyone would notice?**

_I need to be saved._

**From what?**

_You!_

**I'm not a what, I'm a who!**

_WHAT?!_

**Calm down, Remus, I can see your veins all the way from here!**

_That's it._

**That's what?**

_I'm never speaking to you again._

**That's okay, we can keep throwing these notes around until you're ready to confess.**

_Confess what, dare I ask?_

**Your everlasting love to me, of course!**

_You're never going to give this up, are you?_

**No.**

_Fine._

**Fine what?**

_I love you._

**OH MY MERLIN, YOU'VE SAID IT.**

_Yes, I have. Will you leave me alone now?_

**I LOVE YOU, MOONY LOONY WOLFDOG…GUY!**

_Whatever, Sirius, will you be saner now?_

_Sirius.._

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

_Did you take your pill today?_

_Sirius what are you doing?!_

_Oi, get away from me!_

_I don't want a bear hug, stay where you are!_

_HELP, MADAME POMFREY, HELP!_

* * *

**A/N**** - **I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but look out for it! Review! :) _  
_


	18. ANCIENT RUNES

Disclaimer: Only the humor is mine. I own Sirius only in my dreams.

* * *

Key:

**Sirius is bold**

_Remus is italics_

* * *

CHAPTER 18: ANCIENT RUNES

**Remy?**

_What do you want Sirius?_

**What's with the attitude?**

_Gee, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that your stupidity kept me in the hospital wing for a whole week and now I have to work hard to catch up on the all the work I've missed._

**That's a lot to wonder, Moony.**

_Just leave me alone Sirius. Merlin, I don't know how I've gotten this far along being your friend without killing you._

**Just admit it, Moony. You—**

_Ah, no, I'm not going to fall for that again._

**What do you mean?**

_You know what I mean._

**No, I don't.**

_Yes, you do._

**No, I don't.**

_Yes, you do!_

**No, I—**

_Urgh, stop it already! You are as immature as a three-year-old child!_

**I don't know what you're talking about!**

_You made me say it in the hospital wing and you attacked me!_

**I thought you loved my hugs, Remy!**

_You are way too affectionate, Sirius, and I've never once expressed that I loved your hugs!... And don't call me Remy!_

**Why, Remy?**

**Stop banging your head on your desk, Remy.**

**Why are you pointing your wand at me, Rem—**

_Call me Remy once more and your hair is gone._

**You wouldn't do that Remy!**

_I warned you._

* * *

Merlin, Sirius, calm down! Your screaming and loud hyperventilation almost got us thrown out of class!

**WHAT DID YOU DO?!**

_You should've taken my warning seriously!_

**If I wasn't so distraught I would've made a joke about being "Sirius", but you've completely destroyed me Remus John Lupin. **

_You're being ridiculous. I think that buzz cut looks rather nice on you! Quite manly, even, if I do say so myself._

**YOU DESIGNED A PYGMY PUFF ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD!**

_Yes. Yes, I did._

_Well, I warned you._

_What are doing now, moping?_

_Are those real tears?!_

**Leave me alone, Remus.**

_Are you kidding me?! It was a joke! You play jokes on me all the time!_

**Your joke won't bring my hair back, Remus.**

_Are you bloody serious?!_

_Well?_

**Well, what?**

_Aren't you going to make a joke about being Sirius?_

**No.**

_C'mon, Sirius, I didn't mean to—_

**Destroyed me.**

_But I was just—_

**Ruined me.**

_But you were the one—!_

**My heart is shattered.**

_You're completely overreact—_

**I hate you.**

* * *

A/N – A little something I wrote on the spot just for the heck of it. It's been an incredibly long time. I apologize. Thanks for reading!


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